Australian Prime Minister WC

Pool BBQ

Home made flotation device = $3.50

Assorted Alcoholic beverages = $165.50

Hosting the death BBQ in your pool = $Priceless!

Terrorist Training!

Human Bomb Class

Just Before Prohibition

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster…

Would you quit drinking?

When in Jerusalem

Lady Vanderbilt and Salvador Dali!

Lady Vanderbilt had just moved into her new $10 million apartment in New York and despite all the attention of the interior decorators there was one long wall in her “great room” that defied resolution. Time was becoming critical, as there were a great number of famous guests coming for her house-warming soirée.

Acting on a suggestion from a dear friend she contacted Salvador Dali whom she asked if he would kindly consider painting an American historical epic scene on this bloody annoying bare wall, no expense spared. Such a lucrative appointment provided Sally with a golden opportunity to show off his prodigious painting talent. He would work day and night to complete the work and it was agreed the unveiling would be at the soirée.

Old Sally only requested one proviso he had to work in complete privacy to which Lady V quite agreed only too happy with that, she said.!

Much secret activity went on but sure enough Sally finished the work on time and everything was set up for the soirée and the unveiling!

With 150 guests fed and watered came the moment when Lady V decided now is the moment for her to drop the drape covering this work of art, with everyone agog down went the drape… SILENCE! … GASP!… Lady V passed out and had to be revived.

Displayed with beautiful detail were :-

·               A Holy Cross
·               A Buffalo Cow
·               A Red Indian boy and girl deeply involved in a sexual act.

In shocked silence Lady V announce there would be a lawsuit for breach of contract and personal embarrassment glaring at Salvador.

Somewhat bewildered Salvador quietly said but you asked me to paint a famous epic scene depicting American history and that is what I have painted. Face suffused with anger Lady V demanded to know what in God’s name could that be.

Said Salvador ” General Custer’s famous last words at the battle of the Little Big Horn…HOLY COW F@#&ING INDIANS!”

The History of the Middle Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.  This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! ” Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the e-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “Giving the bird”.

The Unwritten Laws

• Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
• Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
• Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
• Variation Law: If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
• Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
• Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
• Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
• Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Oh, and finally…

• Cole’s Law: Chopped cabbage, carrots and mayonnaise!

Abominations Unto God!

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that,  as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is  an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and  cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The  following response is an open letter to Dr.  Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted  on the Internet:

Dear  Dr. Laura,

Thank  you for doing so much to educate people  regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal  from your show, and try to share that knowledge  with as many people as I can. When someone tries  to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,  I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of  debate.

I do  need some advice from you, however, regarding  some other elements of God’s Laws and how to  follow them:

1.  Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess  slaves, both male and female, provided they are  purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of  mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but  not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own  Canadians?

2. I  would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as  sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age,  what do you think would be a fair price for  her?

3. I  know that I am allowed no contact with a woman  while she is in her period of menstrual  uncleanliness – Leviticus 15: 19-24. The problem is  how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most  women take offence.

4.  When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,  I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord  – Leviticus 1:9. The problem is, my neighbours. They  claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should  I smite them?

5. I  have a neighbour who insists on working on the  Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be  put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him  myself, or should I ask the police to do  it?

6. A  friend of mine feels that even though eating  shellfish is an abomination – Leviticus 11:10, it is  a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t  agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’  of abomination?

7.  Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the  altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I  have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does  my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some  wiggle- room here?

8.  Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,  including the hair around their temples, even  though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus  19:27. How should they die?

9. I  know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of  a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still  play football if I wear  gloves?

10. My  uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by  planting two different crops in the same field,  as does his wife by wearing garments made of two  different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester  blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a  lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all  the trouble of getting the whole town together  to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just  burn them to death at a private family affair,  like we do with people who sleep with their  in-laws (Leviticus 20:14) ?

I know  you have studied these things extensively and  thus enjoy considerable expertise in such  matters, so I am confident you can  help.

Thank  you again for reminding us that God’s word is  eternal and unchanging.

Your  adoring fan
James  M Kauffman

Ed. D. Professor Emeritus, Department of  Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education  University of Virginia

Natal Curry!

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Natal ‘Indians’) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one.  These people are crazy.

CHILLI # 2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Excellent fire-house curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That  200kg woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5  LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very  impressive.

Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong  statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 –  VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames.  I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILLI # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment.  (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful.  Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending.  This is a nice blend curry.  Not too bold but spicy enough to  declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry.  Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that  most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on  top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 — No Report.